- A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, ‘How much for a beer?’ The bartender looks at him, and says ‘For you, no charge.’
- Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar, and doesn’t.
- A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?” “Nope, just passing through.”
- Heisenberg is out for a drive when he’s stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’ Heisenberg says ‘No, but I know where I am.’
- A wave function walks into a bar and promptly collapses. He screams at the bartender “What the fuck are you looking at!”.
- What’s the difference between an automechanic and a quantum mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
- How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
- How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, astronomers prefer the dark.
- How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
- How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
- Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum – and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
- So Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” … He doesn’t react.
- What’s the difference between Max Factor and Quantum Theorist? Max Factor has models that work.
- Why did the cat fall off the roof? Because he lost his mu. (mew=cat’s sound/mu=coeff of friction)
- You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it? If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
- How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can’t be done. It’s a hardware problem.
- How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.
- A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him ” Can I help you with your luggage?” To which the photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light.”
- Why do subatomic particles hate electrons? Because they are so negative…
- How many mathematical logicians does it take to replace a light-bulb None. They can’t do it, but they can prove that it can be done.
- One electron yelling at another: ‘What are you doing all the way up there??! Get back down here!’ The other electron says: ‘I can’t, I’m way too excited!’
- Three statisticians went duck hunting one day. While walking along, they scared a duck and saw him flying off. The first statistician shot and missed by a yard to the right. The second shot and missed by a yard to the left. The third one yelled, “We got it!!”